


In A Blaze Of Agony

by LegendOfMischief



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Depression, F/M, Fire, Grief/Mourning, Pain, Reader-Insert, Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-07 12:42:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16854163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LegendOfMischief/pseuds/LegendOfMischief
Summary: Reader uses Tony’s modified BARF tech to return to a memory. Unable to cope she makes some bad choices.





	In A Blaze Of Agony

**Author's Note:**

> NOTES/WARNINGS: Sex, suicide attempt, mental breakdown. This is not meant to be taken as justifying or putting suicide in a positive light. This is meant to highlight mental, emotional anguish and the terrible things it does. If you or someone you know needs help, always reach out. You are loved, even if it doesn’t always feel like it.
> 
> Read at your own risk. You have been warned that this covers triggering topics and it is dark. I did not and will not tag anyone except for those required for the challenge because of content.
> 
> PROMPT: Kyler England - “When the World Stops Spinning” , Lily & Firith’s Marvel Smut Writing Challenge [Tumblr]

**_There’s a charcoal sky tonight_ **

**_See the hills on fire for miles_ **

The blazing colors of the sunset entranced you, the wavering movement that the heat caused made the yellows swim and dance with the orangey-reds. The blue sky contrasted the warm colors, the water below became a blue-purple and you closed your eyes as you felt the last dying heat of the day mixed with the lapping rush of the waves on the beach below. Keeping your eyes closed you let your forehead rest against the cooling glass of the sliding door, your damp hair falling forward slightly to frame your face as the sound draws you in. Losing yourself in the sound of the ocean, letting your breath become perfectly even, and eagerly soaking in the addicting yet disorienting calm that your mind went into. Perfectly balanced. Perfectly centered.

The scent of earthy cinnamon filled your next deep breath, a smile slipped onto your lips as your calm transitioned to a feeling of familiarity and exhilaration. He could mask his footsteps, the creak and scent of his leathers, the sound of his entrance, but he never managed to hide his scent. It had been a little more than a year since you had seen him, but when you attained a certain calm state his scent would return to you. Opening your eyes, they soon widened as you saw the reflection in the mirror. There behind you, a figure in the darkness, one that you would forever recognize. You turned around so quickly that your damp hair slapped and stuck to your neck, wide eyes drank him in. His broad shoulders, large hands, slender fingers, slim waist, and legs for days.

“Loki.” His name left your lips in a breathy whisper that sounded like a prayer.

_**The air is hard to breathe** _

_**Home is hard to leave** _

_**Even now, even now** _

_**I will let you go** _

_**When the world stops spinning** _

_**I will let you go** _

_**When the world stops spinning** _

_**I will let you go** _

Briefly you wondered where he had been, though after finishing the questioning thought you decided you didn’t care. As you gazed at each other the atmosphere became charged, a moment longer passed as two pairs of eyes raked down the body opposite before both moved in synchronization towards each other with a needy eagerness. When reaching one another, lips met, and your hands tangled in his dark locks while your legs locked around his waist when he lifted you up. He held you, one hand at the small of your back and the other on your ass. Eagerly biting his lower lip caused a soft, deep groan to escape him and it sent a pool of arousal straight to your core. As tongues danced you weren’t aware he had walked to your bedroom or that you were in need of a breath until he pulled away from the heady kiss and dropped you onto your bed. A loud intake of breath came as you somewhat remembered to breathe, though it didn’t last long. After kicking off his boots, Loki waved his hand and with a green light he was left only in his leather pants. Your eyes never left him, and as he crawled up the bed towards you it was then that the shirt you were wearing was lifted eagerly up and off, its destination unknown as you threw it blindly. Meeting him halfway, another kiss shared before his lips dropped to your neck kissing and nibbling until he found his way to your breast. A hiss followed by a whimper left your mouth as his tongue swirled around your nipple, your hand threaded in his hair jerked.

“Loki, please…” You begged, the meaning quite clear to him. Your eyes met as he considered your request, his eyebrow raised before he gently pushed you back and crawled over you. As his hair framed his face your breath caught, both from his erotic appearance and the finger that suddenly circled your sex. Sneaky as always, he gave a grin followed by a low chuckle when your hips bucked.

“Ever ready and eager for me. Very well.” He spoke smoothly, a smirk on his lips. “If you want it so bad, come and get it.”

Not needing to be told twice you rolled to straddle him as soon as he had moved to lay on his back, you slid down enjoying the feel of leather against your skin. Hands made quick work of getting his pants open, freeing his cock and you couldn’t help but lick your lips before casting a quick glance up at him. It amused you that he had his hands resting behind his head, allowing you to do as you wished. The slight ripple of his muscles as you swiftly licked from base to tip before taking him in your mouth was not missed, your head bobbed as you toyed with him using tongue, teeth and boldly took him deep in your throat. That was when he roughly pulled you off and spoke in a sharp hiss.

“Enough!”

_**When the sun and the stars explode** _

_**And the world stops spinning** _

_**When the terra firma quakes** _

_**When the oceans tidal wave** _

Quicker than you could process, he had you under him and any clothes that remained were suddenly gone. You felt his tip press into you, eyes locked and hands threaded together before he entered swiftly. A small gasp at the feeling of him inside, your back arching slightly, hips bucking eagerly and he busied himself with biting and sucking at your neck in order to give you time to adjust as well as relish the sensation. The eager buck of your hips spurs him to start moving, pulling out and thrusting back in, setting a languid pace with deep thrusts. He is teasing you, and when you can’t take it any longer a whine passed your lips. A chuckle is his response before speeding up, the pace now to your liking loud moans and cries freely fall from you. Shifting his hips to change the angle slightly had you keening at a higher pitch, as he felt himself getting closer to release more quickly than he had been expecting, a hand reached between your two bodies and settled a long finger on your clit. Stroking the sensitive bundle of nerves exactly how you preferred with a practiced hand, his thrusts sped up and became rougher. Both of you were racing towards the edge, he reached it before you though as his seed spilled with his climax, you fell into the free falling bliss right after and his name fell from your lips in a series of moans. Nails dug into his back though he didn’t mind, resting his forehead against yours as you both settled from the high. Breaths mixing, eyes locked on one another, and your moment hidden by the curtain his hair formed around you.

“I love you.” He said with complete sincerity before pulling out and disappearing in a pixelated manner.

_**I would rather die** _

_**Than to ever say goodbye** _

_**To you my love, to you my love** _

_**I will let you go** _

_**When the world stops spinning** _

_**I will let you go** _

_**When the world stops spinning** _

_**I will let you go** _

A shiver ran through you as the cold of the dark, empty room surrounded you. Your eyes were left staring at the empty ceiling above you, tears formed before falling and a loud pained cry left your lips. You did it again, and you weren’t sure if it hurt more or not. Nothing was the same, and nothing had changed. He was still gone. He was still dead. You couldn’t stand it, couldn’t stand to be on your bed any longer. The last place he had been with you. Standing up and moving to the dresser, you ripped out a pajama set and angrily put it on. A glare was sent towards the bed before you stalked to your kitchenette, manically searching through the drawers and cabinets before returning with lighter fluid as well as a box of matches. Without pause you drenched the entire bed in the fluid, the smell burning your nose but you lit the match and flicked it anyways. Fire lit across the bed hungrily devouring the bedding, the flames licked higher and the reflection of them in the mirror drew your attention. The woman looking back was foreign, dark circles surrounded bloodshot eyes and pale sickly skin. A cold, barked laugh escaped your lips as you thought that your appearance mixed with the fire and now black smoke that started to fill the room made you look like a goddess of death and misery. Goddess of death. Death. Loki was dead. A rage built of heartbreak filled you, your thoughtlessness returned. You picked up your lamp and hurled it with a scream at the mirror, which shattered. A distant pounding as well as the fire inching closer escaped your notice as you became entranced with a sharp shard of broken mirror that had landed at your feet.

_**When the sun and the stars explode** _

_**And the world stops spinning** _

_**I don’t need a savior** _

_**I don’t need a saint** _

_**When the moment comes** _

_**I’ll be calling out your name** _

After picking up the shard of mirror you had moved to sit near the door, the black smoke curled and the flames had expanded. It was getting hard to breathe, it was getting so hot, and your thoughts spiraled down dark paths. Focusing was difficult as you blinked through your tears that freely fell down your cheeks, managing just enough you slashed open each wrist without hesitancy. It hurt, it hurt so much that you couldn’t tell if it was pain from your heart or your wrists. It melted together in a swirl of black, red, and orange. You wanted it all to just stop. The heat suddenly felt so far away, you could see the flames dancing around you but they seemed to not be able to touch you. As you sat there you couldn’t help but wish that you had turned to dust along with  your friends. You wouldn’t have known that he was dead, you’d have died happier. Vaguely you wondered where the banging came from and the loud footsteps. Your eyelids felt so heavy, your blinking became slowed and you thought you were dreaming when his figure appeared. He crouched next to you for a moment, then you barely felt it but you were in his arms. Death was perfect if it was in his arms.

_**How I long to be with you till the end** _

_**I will let you go** _

_**When the world stops spinning** _

_**I will let you go** _

_**When the world stops spinning** _

_**I will let you go** _

_**When the sun and the stars explode** _

_**And the world stops spinning** _

_**There’s a charcoal sky tonight** _

_**See the hills on fire for miles** _

You woke in an uncomfortable bed, staring at an ugly ceiling. Casting your eyes around the room you were met with an interesting sight. Tony was nursing a scotch, Steve was asleep in a chair, Thor was playing cards with a raccoon, and you jumped at the person next to you. Loki was sitting in a chair to your right, holding your hand and glaring murderously at you. Whatever drugs had you hallucinating like this, you weren’t sure if you liked them or not.

“Loki?” You rasped out, only to be met with him pursing his lips and the sound of Tony dropping his glass.

“How dare you.” Loki hissed, his body tense and he brought the back of your hand to his lips. “I told you I would return.”

Tears flooded your eyes, it took some effort but you threaded your fingers with his.

“Wherever you go I will follow.” You said, and you meant it. Loki’s fierce demeanor crumbled, he reached forward to tuck a stray strand of hair behind your ears.

“I see that, foolish mortal.” He was pointedly ignoring the stares of the others present, and continued to speak. “I love you and you will not be leaving my sight again.”


End file.
